My Testimony-Part One
This article was originally titled something else and was my first entry at DailyRenengade.com where I am a writer for. Check it out sometime!
But for now I am posting it here as Part One of my Testimony.
EARLY YEARS (HOW I WAS RAISED)
For starters, I wasn’t raised Christian. In fact I wasn’t raised to believe or disbelieve anything in particular. My Mother seemed to go back and forth between agnostic and atheist for much of my life; however, she rarely expressed it one way or the other. I more or less would guess where she was mentally depending upon wherever she was in her journey of self-discovery.
I’m going to follow that up with this–I wasn’t your average child. For starters, I was an only child until I was 11. And while it was just me and my Mother, my childhood was very unique, to say the least. My father was rarely there and when I hit seven years old he disappeared. Quite literally, it felt like. We both suddenly never heard from him again until I was 15 years old. But that’s another story.
My Mother was very strict about the information she allowed to feed my mind. Honesty, not only with her but with myself, was her number one priority. With that said, she never taught me anything that she didn’t know for sure. This is why the topic of religion wasn’t spoken of. It wasn’t necessarily a bad topic, but I was encouraged to seek answers on my own. She rarely spoke of it. And when she did, it was coming from the point of view of it being unknown overall. Therefore, I never asked questions. And I never truly felt as if I needed answers until much later.
Honesty was so important, in fact, that she never went out of her way to set up some elaborate scheme in order for me to believe there was a Santa Claus. I was around six years old when she nonchalantly brought up the question to me, “Amy, you know there isn’t a Santa, right?” and somehow I did know that and I told her that. We spent holidays thinking that the more important known truth was that they were about family, love, and duty. The reason for mentioning this is because it did–in a sense–influence others in thinking I was alienated from society in relation to how most other kids had this imaginary relationship with Santa Claus. I never felt robbed. In fact it made me feel good to know my Mother would never go out of her way to lie to me if she didn’t know it was a fact. I actually went to school once after a particular Christmas vacation. I ended up telling a friend of mine at the age of seven years old or so that Santa was made up. However my intention wasn’t to bust hopes and dreams–I didn’t know how important this Santa figure was to other kids as I wasn’t attached. I was attached to the meaning for us that my Mother told me. And I saw that as the hidden truth for everyone, then. But once I told that friend of mine–she literally burst into tears. I was then shocked–jaw dropped–and all by the fact that this young lady cared more about the lie instead of the truth. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why she seemed to be more hurt by the truth of the nonexistence of Santa rather than the fact that she had been lied. And for the mere reason that most of humanity has for creating this elaborate scheme surrounding Santa simply for the reason that it is so called “tradition.” I still do not understand it.
I wasn’t allowed to watch much TV, particularly cartoons. No video games either. However Film was okay, so long as it wasn’t horror. Instead, I was encouraged to listen to music and to learn how to entertain myself. The imagination was seen as a great thing; so was self-honesty, awareness, and self-love.
I was well behaved and, even when I had the opportunity to do things behind her back, I didn’t. I was uninterested.
She somehow made the important things interesting and made me want to behave in all the right ways up until I was a teenager. That is when my rebellion came.
It is worthy to mention that the reason my Mother was so specific as she was is that, when she was a child, her parents were either neglectful or emotional as well as physically abusive. In addition, her Father, when in a good mood, expressed his favoritism towards her over her five other siblings. Needless to say, she vowed to raised me in a very different way!
Let’s focus on when I was five years old. That is when I began experiencing–as far as my memory will allow me to remember–entities from the spiritual realm. I experienced quite a lot of things, however, because of how I was raised to see the imagination. I wasn’t seeing it clearly as it truly was. I also knew not to approach my Mother asking about the experiences. And since it wasn’t threatening to me (as I saw it), I never felt the need to bring it up. There was only one time when one experience did scare me, but I saw it as a form of a dream. And at the time, I was taught not to wake her up about my nightmares because I was so sensitive to them as a younger child. I didn’t want to bother her with one years later.
So I kept it to myself–a secret–until years later when I married. I finally told my now-husband.
My first experience with a spirit–one of my first memories ever–was when I was sitting in the middle of my room. Broad daylight. I was playing with my Barbies when, suddenly, I saw and felt something coming toward my room from the wall between my room and my Mother’s. I couldn’t visually make it out yet, but I felt him. Suddenly I saw it pour itself into the center of my room as a black misty fluid-like substance until it filled my entire room from wall-to-wall and then it shaped itself into a very tall humanoid male shape.
This male entity then walked towards me and then into my body and I felt him use my eyes to see. He looked down at my Barbies and then smirked as I had just prior to this made them kiss. He then gently exited from me and out of my room. This entity has been around me my entire life since.
He is one of the main reasons why I began to search for spiritual answers years later. However, he never has caused me any issues outright; he always has shown himself as a protector of some sort. Things have changed since my conversion though.
I feel it is worthy of mentioning him since he is one of the biggest reasons for seeking answers. I do happen to know he is a fallen angel of sorts…. I will say that I rarely hear from him anymore. The things I do know of him and the pros and cons he brought to my life will be explored at a later time.
Another key element to my spiritual experiences as a child was the fact that I often had a group of spirits with me nearly every other day. They claimed to be my friends and acted as if they were for many, many years until the last couple of years. My perspective simply changed many times over the years about who they were and if they were well-intentioned or not.
Another experience worthy of mentioning is the so called “dream” I had of a dead boy I had known during the first night at my Aunt’s new home. It was a large trailer on a large area of land that my Uncle owned.
My Mother and I were there helping my Aunt move in as she was disabled with back problems. Long story short, I felt this ambient child-like energy coming from one of the rooms in the trailer. I was so mesmerized by it I chose to sleep in that room whenever I had sleepovers, which was often. And it turns out that that night was going to be my first.
My Aunt even asked me which room did I chose and I told her. I could vividly explain every detail of it as it was a small room with a built-in daybed and nightstand with a large window. Something about it just drew me in.
Bedtime came around and I was gazing out the large window (without a curtain) into the blackness. I wasn’t even freaked out. Normally I think I would have been. Suddenly it was as if I fell asleep, but it was very subtle. It literally felt more like I had blinked. And when I opened my eyes I saw a boy about my age (then nine years old) in a baseball uniform that looked like it came right out of the 1960’s.
This boy was sitting in the windowsill as if it was open and his head leaned against it with his legs hanging over the other side. No screen or anything.
The only thought I had was that it was an odd position and place to be. I felt compelled to get up and walk towards him because there was something about him that didn’t seem right. The closer I got to him the more clearly I saw that one side of his face was rotting off. I then realized he was dead.
I wasn’t freaked out beyond my years, however. Keep in mind I wasn’t allowed to watch horror movies or read anything scary or hear ghost tales or anything. The first horror movie I ever watched was Psycho and that was a few years later. Poltergeist came later, also. And even Fright Night came later still. Even so, I had to close my eyes during parts of it.
Nothing influenced this experience aside from what it seemed to be. However, it took me years to figure out what that was. It is also because of this experience that later I was influenced to seek answers.
Once I realized the kid was dead, I turned to look outside as something seemed to draw me towards it. I saw a man in the distance–it was almost dawn with heavy fog. He was wearing black attire that can only be explained as a cross between an Amish style and Victorian style. Black hat, jacket, pants.
Suddenly, the old man looked at me as our eyes met. He looked surprised and then raised his hands. With one hand, he grabbed his hat off and then waved at me frantically as if he wanted to say something. But I then began to question: “Could he see me?” “Was he waving at me…?” “Or the boy?” “Does he know the boy is dead?” “And why do they each seem as if they are from different time periods?” As all of these questions came flooding into my little nine-year-old mind, that is when I freaked out. I began to cry and went back to my bed, hiding under the covers for what felt like only a few minutes.
Once I uncovered myself, I saw that it was completely daylight, as though a few hours had gone by, and the dead boy was gone. I got up to look outside and I saw that the man, too, was gone.
I told no one about this experience until years later when I told my now-husband. I didn’t dare tell my mom nor anyone else. I literally pretended as if it didn’t happen because my Mother raised me to know the difference between “imaginary” and what is “real”. She also taught me how to treat my fear. She taught me that, if I fed into it, it would only become larger.
MY EARLY YEARS (CHRISTIAN INFLUENCE FROM GRANDFATHER)
As I said, I wasn’t raised Christian but I had two incidents occur during my early years around the same time I was experiencing these odd experiences. But I never connected the two until later.
My Grandfather–as I mentioned earlier–wasn’t a very good Father when my Mother and her siblings were growing up. However, she was his favorite and I suppose that, along with her ability to understand him on a level that her brothers and sisters didn’t, allowed for them to stay in contact and be close for longer than the others–at least for a little while.
That is, specifically until my Grandfather was saved.
From what I hear, he was the definition of a violent man. I never saw this man but I did hear the stories. And I do know he was already changed quite a bit even before he was saved. But that changed him further.
My Grandfather never wanted any of his children to speak of God in any sort of context whatsoever when my Mom was a child. I suppose she inherited this from him on some level but she wasn’t so angry or violent about it as, in the past, it would set him off. But like I said, I never once saw this violent side to him–NEVER.
The first time I was ever influenced by the Christianity in his life was when I was around seven years old. He and I were sitting on the couch with his arm around me pulling me close to him. VH1 or MTV was on and the new Robert Palmer song came on, either “Simply Irresistible” or “Addicted to Love,” I can’t remember which one. But one of them came on and he pulled me closer. I could feel his energy shift from comfortable to highly uncomfortable. He says to me into my ear, “I have to change the channel because Satan is tempting me to think lustful thoughts about these women.” And, well, he changed the channel. That was that. I was around seven to nine years old when he was saved.
Thing is though, I felt what he meant by it. Even though I didn’t intellectually understand who Satan was nor the word ‘lustful’–not in a specific way–I felt on some level what he meant and I knew he was scared. I also felt like he thought something about me would help him. My purity? I am not even sure but that is what it seems like to me these days.
It really felt like I eased his fear and I made it easier for him to change the channel. But I also felt like he had said something private to me. Either way it wasn’t brought up again and I kept it a secret. Keep in mind that this was, indeed, the first time I was introduced to Christianity in ANY way shape or form.
The next time I was influenced by Christianity was when my Grandfather had me baptized. And it was done without my Mothers permission nor knowledge as she was out of town and I was staying at my Grandfather’s house for the weekend. I don’t remember much detail except for the fact that my Grandfather bribed me with doughnuts if I agreed to get baptized at his Church. I was happy to get doughnuts so I totally agreed.
I remember going to church and the Pastor explaining everything to me and I had no idea what he was talking about. I just wanted people to be proud of me for doing what was expected and without resistance. I didn’t understand any of it; however, the pastor said that I did understand.
I was baptized that night, everyone was happy and I got my doughnuts! Needless to say, I did tell my Mother when she returned and I was taught to see the experience (and did for many years after until recently) as an unfair and bad thing that my Grandfather did. While I agree that perhaps it should have been explained better by my Grandfather at least, my mother was very against teaching me that any religion was any sort of end-all be-all truth. So how could he have taught me any better?
But I did grow to see that event as unfair and shady as well as not based on any sort of need for me to understand to what I was agreeing.
MY TEEN YEARS (CHRISTIAN INFLUENCE FROM FRIENDS)
I was almost 13 years old when I met my best friend. She was raised Christian and I still had no religion nor a need for one as I saw it. I still had my imaginary friends. But that’s how I saw them and still never saw them as bad nor scary.
I didn’t have a problem with my friend’s Christianity until I was faced with the issues that came during and, more precisely, after the moment we both saw the (then) upcoming rock star, Marilyn Manson and his new video “Sweet Dreams.”
Without explaining too much I will say that our reactions to the rock star and this particular song were quite different. She was much more sensitive to fear or dark imagery than I was and I didn’t even think that was possible until this moment. Remember that I wasn’t allowed to watch horror movies until the age of 14.
My friend reacted with cries and fear as well as with the claim that there were demons all around us. She begged me to turn it off. However, I watched in shock but with a growing curiosity as to why this rock star, who was dressed and acting as if it was Halloween (about which I was curious and intrigued by), had such a strong effect on my friend. It didn’t make me steer clear, so to speak. It made me want to figure out why he was feared as he seemed to stir this similar reaction within many, many people then and the next several years. I personally wasn’t as interested in his bible-tearing ways, but I wanted to hear more about what he had to say, his claims and reasons for his behavior as he, in interviews, had a very different aura about him.
Marilyn Manson was and still is deeply misunderstood. However my opinion of him now has altered only slightly. But even now, as a Catholic, I do not fear him. His message then wasn’t what 99% of people made it out to be. However, yes, he has dark entities around him, but he wasn’t attempting to steer any children in a bad direction. He was simply expressing himself and his own trauma that was caused by misguided Christians themselves when he was a child. There is a lot more to him than what meets the eye.
It was only three years after this moment with my friend that, because of the misunderstanding, that she told me she was worried about me simply because I had become a larger fan of his. But even so, it had not become a religious matter, yet. I was never a Christian. Sure, I did believe in God, but not in the same way as Christians did. I believed in Jesus on some level, but I didn’t even battle the belief in my head until much later.
My connection with the rock star had more to do with me finding a curiosity in him as a person as well as myself as an individual–in general.
But even so, I was talked into going to Church out of the concern she felt for me. I had been to church with her a few times before but I never truly understood any of the views that the “teen group leader” held and shared with us. I generally, even prior to Mr. Manson’s influence, thought the views were ridiculous. I never had heard of them and didn’t understand them to be shared to us as kids as orders being barked at us without any true reason for us to understand or relate to.
This is the method that many Christians held then and some still do now. I strongly believe that making comments without explanation from a factual basis and forcing them on us is wrong. I still believe that today. These methods in spreading the word simply cannot be expected to work. I experienced it for myself. It doesn’t work for the mind to intellectually understand.
We cannot ignore the mind’s need to understand.
THE FORCED EXORCISM
This is when the Exorcism happened. I didn’t agree to it. The teen group leader and the rest of the children simply told me it was what was needed and I laughed and disagreed. Until they put their hands on me, they spoke in tongues, and suddenly I felt and saw a light enter me.
But it is because of the light itself that entered me that made me believe them. However, even though the light was true and some of what they were saying was true, doesn’t mean I was guided correctly once I saw the truth of this bright and cleansing light. It further proves that humanity needs both a soul-understanding of the light of Christ as well as a mental-understanding of Him in order to fully understand all that the Father God has to say and needs us to understand. It also shows that this process can take a long time! It isn’t something that can be rushed or forced! In fact, if it is forced, it will cause more pain and confusion.
Many people see the conversion between paganism to Christianity in the past as a forceful event, but it was much different than that. Christians merely became forceful by their own misguided understanding of the Bible after years passed since the biblical days! And the reason for that is the trick of Satan who became invisible once Christ became visible.
The purpose became harder to see. Darkness became harder to understand. Though the darkness within Christianity became more apparent to others at this time. But it was understood as hypocritical instead of God, Himself, showing that He reveals flaws within every human being.
Satan became very good at hiding from everyone. It even became hard for Christians themselves to see as the same as they did before without even realizing it. Which is why a large fear would come over them upon the slightest bit of darkness. They would either exaggerate it, point misplaced blame, or deny it by blaming the person’s actions instead of the darkness itself. This causes the person to act without understanding and compassion, and they become careless with their words.
These actions, unbeknown to them, was, in a way, I believe God’s way of showing them that the Devil is in the details. But many missed the signs and instead Christians became the accuser. This was I believe the enemy’s greatest illusion he has ever pulled. But now it’s time for everyone to truly understand that, on whatever level you need to, take responsibility for it, and pick up to start again.
THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EVOLVE–BY GODS DIRECTION!
Satan became very active within the Christian community, rising to become more and more visible in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s.
This is why Christians, in general, should really learn how to question themselves more. Just because you or even I, (these days), are a Christian doesn’t mean Satan will leave you alone forever. He will trick you in the smallest of ways, ways that may not even relate to religion at all but in life in general.
Particularly in the way we treat each other. He especially favors this.
Back to the point-
FROM CHRISTIANITY TO SATANISM
From the time I recognized that light I called myself a Christian. That night after Church I even broke my Manson CD. Not because I felt it was the right thing to do but because ‘they” told me it was the right thing to do. I simply didn’t argue with it or anything because the light I saw and felt was beyond words and didn’t oppose anything–not truly. It was the very first time I experienced anything that could be considered “proof” of Jesus, Himself. I knew it was Him. But it was as if I couldn’t “hear” His truth because of several other truths layered on top of His own.
From then on, I simply behaved as I thought I was supposed to because nothing else made sense. I didn’t understand anything I talked about nor any church experience nor anything I preached. I eventually began to hate who I had become as the light seemed to disappear not long afterwards.
But I called myself a Christian for at least eight years after that. It wasn’t until I was 24 when I began my real search for the truth and began that search in a place I didn’t think I would truly find myself. L But I finally began to ask questions. The contrast between the light I had experienced against all else since I was a young child. I needed answers, but I had already found myself resenting Christianity by this point so I decided to abandon it.
WITCHCRAFT FELL INTO MY LAP—
I was 24 years old when a small book that was very playful-looking and spoke of witchcraft in the most basic and seemingly fun way landed right into my lap.
It was Christmas Eve (no less) of 2006. I absorbed that tiny little fun-looking book as if I was thirsty for knowledge. As if it was the forbidden fruit itself dangling from the tree of knowledge. And in a sense, that’s true.
Ever since then, I was hooked on all of these words and concepts I had no prior knowledge in–not really. And somehow I connected more with it and felt as if I could easily understand them more than I could Christianity. And now looking back?
I would say that wasn’t necessarily true. But I was seeing the illusion that was being cast upon me in the correct way that it was intended by my imaginary friends I had all along. And I didn’t see until years later that they were the biggest influence in prolonging me to seeing the truth.
However, I wasn’t altogether blind! I don’t believe any of us truly are.
But I followed the guided direction toward learning about all religions for years afterwards. And I will say there were only three paradigms that I felt I resonated with the most but they each played me like a fiddle. I can safely say now that I was becoming more and more possessed and destructive the more energy I gave these concepts.
My three mains were Luciferianism, Nonduality, and Shamanism. I was also heavily into Celtic and Greek Mythology as well as Astrology. I was deeply into spirit communication and fully believe in all the nature spirits and many gods/goddesses, as I saw myself a polytheist.
It’s worthy of mentioning, I was also very influenced by the 11:11 movement; Doreen Virtue was the first author that influenced me and taught me that I could “contact” angels; however, my experiences of doing so never lined up to how she explained it.
I will explain this in another post but my path never truly supported most of what she spoke of. But she was the first new age author I learned about.
The intensity of these paths would wane and wax until the last three years of my life until currently where my mindset and focus is very, very different!
JUST BEFORE THE REVEAL OF CHRIST–
But just before my conversion back in 2016-2017, the pressure to spread my knowledge around regardless of how inaccurate or truly evil and misguided it was, became very intense as if I had to refresh my mind and contract with these spirits more and more often. This is when I truly began to question the truth they were giving me.
Not to mention that there were many clues that I was being shown more and more every day by a goddess I will not name. But I now am convinced she is working for Jesus and Father God undercover in hopes of helping all people who are stuck deep within Paganism or Satanism (or like-minded religions) because of some subconscious need to understand and seek the goddess. I will not explain this goddess nor the details in which I experienced by her direction from the moment she entered my life in 2017 until I was able to see Jesus and his life clearly for what and whom He is.
LET’S JUST SAY THAT GOD HAS HIS WAYS…
God has ways of leading us out of the darkness and He has His messengers in darker places than one would expect or assume. We aren’t meant to become a copy of a copy. We are meant to understand the Bible or He, Himself, as we as individuals are meant to.
Yes, we are supposed to spread the word. But it must always be clear that we as individuals understand ourselves, and we understand that this is a process. No one’s interpretation is 100% correct; although there is an ultimate truth, learning this truth is a step-by-step process. Isaiah tells us that we must learn “line upon line.”
For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept,
Line upon line, line upon line,
Here a little, there a little.”
We all speak from experience. Isaiah 28:10
And our individual lesson isn’t always for everyone else to agree with! It is only for those that it speaks to. And many times that can include some of those that don’t agree particularly if they fear the message or react strongly towards it. We each learn something new from each other, but it may be different facets of the subject.
Yes there is a difference between spirituality and religion of the enemy versus the spirituality and religion of Jesus. And, yes, it’s important to understand the differences between the truth and lies. However, if you’re a teacher of revealing the two, you/we need to be very careful when doing this! Because the light you are attempting to shine cannot mimic the light that comes from Jesus. And it is this method that tends to be ignored and fought against the most! Know more about your opposition!
THE ACT OF COMMUNICATION IS THE WORD OF GOD AND OUR LIVES ARE ALSO BIBLICAL
We need to learn how to speak to people. Remember when you were awakening to the truth of Christ? Either way, there were milestones and steps! And still there should be! You cannot reveal the big picture to someone who is studying a piece of the big picture no matter how many of those pieces are illusions.
They will not hear you! That is our job as Christians! It is our job to share our testimony! And to learn how to balance our knowledge and to learn how to see the truth in the way that He, Himself is shining the light upon your eyes to see!! He is testing you with every bit of information he gives you!! Never think for a moment he isn’t!
Do not get too wrapped up in revealing evil or being some kind of tool to save others. Because that isn’t nor ever was our job! No one can understand the revealed evil you have shown them if they haven’t been in your shoes!!
The best thing you can do is to show them what it means to be a follower of Christ in both a mundane level and spiritual level. We should be keeping each other in check and saving our harsh and most blatant truths for each other!!
The ones who are following the enemy do not mentally understand it!!
I opened my mind to every path I was faced with. I walked a path with the enemy (in many different guises) alongside with me for over 10 years until God became as close to me as possible. It was only then when the enemy revealed his true intentions by the following act.
He ripped my soul out of my chest. I felt his talons enter me as he ripped me out and threw me across my room hissing at me, “Poseidon wants to speak with you!!” I heard swishing and wind whirling sounds as the wind continued to attempt to push me out of my window. I held on by my hands against the side of the window. I now realize it was the wings of Azazel attempting to push me out. I then felt nothing but Death all around me. I knew that my environment wanted me dead.
I then spotted a dark angel I once knew as Azrael in the corner of my room. I somehow knew it was he who was trying to confuse me and pull me out of my body. I flipped him the bird and then worked my way back into my body against the strong wind of his wings. I knew his wings were spread and working but I couldn’t see.
As soon as I was back into my body everything stopped and he was gone. It was then I knew I needed to surrender to Christ.
And it was then when Christ entered my life in all ways possible. He had had to show me the very peace He was, the power He had over the environment and demonic entities that I had known my whole life, and He had to close the four portals I had opened by calling on the elemental directions while I was a Witch.
He showed me the truth and proof of all of these things and He stayed with me once I recollected myself and made my choice.
I had explored every facet of everything and by this point all of those facets were worn out. All of my spiritual guides had begun to give up. By this point–for a year before Jesus showed up, demanding a choice within me after showing me who He really was as I was willing to see it–all I could see and hear from the spiritual world and the planets was darkness and hate towards humanity.
Jesus brought me peace and showed me the truth of everything and still does so. He works in ways none of us would ever expect and should never pretend to expect, which is why it’s important how we speak of Him to others.
My testimony speaks of the current that moves against all odds no matter what you believe. It is a test, not only for myself but for everyone else.
To Be Continued.
More of my thoughts will be posted in time at my website. Thanks for reading!
Note: All scriptures are from the New King James Version unless otherwise indicated and taken from the website, www.biblehub.com. Many translations and study tools can be found there.